you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
