i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
