I just made out with a guy for $7.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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