just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
