The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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