I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
