I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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