If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
