I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
