I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
