so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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