Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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