take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize