Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
