If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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