watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
