i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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