I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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