This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
