I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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