this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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