so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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