I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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