Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
