fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
