I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
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