Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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