I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
