a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
