Only a mothe r could love this liver
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
