If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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