it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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