we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
smell my finger.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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