so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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