Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i dont even know how to be here
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
