I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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