if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
