I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize