I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
PS: I just woke up from my shower
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
