I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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