I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
