i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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