I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
