Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
