the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
