just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
