My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
