"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
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