And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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