I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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