Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
