How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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