i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
