this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
