He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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