remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
